Sunday, January 10, 2010

Johndor's Snowpocalypse Mashed Potatoes

This post is from my cousin Johndor who braved the elements to bring us these perfectly mashed potatoes:


As the family’s Senior Adjutant for Potato Mashing, I have long been an advocate of food made from scratch, as has always been my approach to potatoes. The extension of this principle meal-wide was, therefore, a welcome one. What follows are my ruminations on family, Christmas Mass, blizzards, and potatoes.


The harrowing ordeal of the Nativity Blizzard of 2009 couldn’t stop us from celebrating the chief tenets of an Irish Christmas: Mass and potatoes.

We departed my mother’s house at approximately a quarter past six in the evening, tasked with collecting Father George and bringing to the house to say Mass and spend Christmas with us. Such are the conveniences of families that befriend their spiritual advisors. The nine-mile journey to pick up Father and get to the party took an hour, most of which was spent listening to the incessant buzzing of a broken open-door alarm.

Needless to say, between the snow and the noise, when I arrived at the house, I was very much in need of some spiritual fortification. And I wanted Mass to start too.

Upon arrival, hurried greetings were exchanged, and a reading from First Timothy was thrust into my hand. “Aha!” I thought. “Lectering and potato mashing! Truly this is a Christmas miracle.”

Mass was beautifully done, and, feeling refreshed and renewed, I turned my attention to the main event. The potatoes had already been peeled and cooked. All that was left was for me to whip them into shape.

At this point, I feel some back story may be appropriate. I don’t really recall when I was placed in charge of mashed potatoes. I think it happened, as many things do in the family, when someone assumed I knew how to do something I didn’t know how to do and made me do it. In that situation, I assume I performed adequately, and was thus deemed an expert by Aunt Kate. I’ve been mashing ever since.

The ingredients for Johndor’ Famous Smashed Potatoes are as follows:

    •    A bunch of big potatoes- Russets work well, get about 10 or 12. Peel them, and if you are in a hurry, chop ‘em into quarters. They are less fun to mash that way though

    •    A stick of butter

    •    Milk- Probably 2 cups, but I usually just eyeball it. My mom claims that you have to warm it up, but she only started insisting that at Thanksgiving, so I don’t know what she’s talking about. I always have used cold milk and it works fine. But in the interest of keeping my mother happy, you should probably warm up the milk

    •    Salt and Pepper- Sea salt and freshly-ground pepper taste better

    •    A healthy knowledge of the history of Irish oppression

Once you get your potatoes peeled, toss them into a pot of boiling water. When they are cooked all the way through, drain them and set to work. First start to break up the potatoes with your masher. Once you’ve got them smooshed a bit, begin to pour in some milk and about a quarter of the stick of butter. Mix the milk and butter around evenly and keep smashing. At this point, begin to season with salt and pepper. Add more milk and butter.

Around here, I change my technique. It becomes less smashing and more like slowly mixing. Use a rocking motion and go in circles. Continue with that, the season and the milk and butter until you get rid of all the big lumps of potato. Whip it around a bit to make them a little fluffier, and you’ve got yourself a big heaping pot of mashed potatoes.

I’ve made myself indispensible to my family by placing myself in charge of lay spiritual affairs and mashed potatoes. That way, no matter how many Christmas or birthdays I ruin with my off-color humor, I keep getting invited back. So remember: for every joke you tell out of your copy of Milton Berle’s Private Collection, you have to deliver one heartfelt grace and make one pot of potatoes. Follow my advice and you too will fast become the most popular member of your family!

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